The only dating checklist you'll need
One checklist to rule them all
I know dating is hard, and I know that (maybe) you are afraid of rejection, another heartbreak, and frankly, all of this could happen. We get hurt sometimes, and I would never want to sell the illusion of perfect safety. But what I can help you with is discernment.
I can help decrease your chances of heartbreak and increase your chances of not getting into a relationship that hurts you—and if you do, to be able to make a swift exit as soon as possible.
That being said, here’s what I think everyone should know before dating—and probably everything that’s enough to know to stay safe emotionally and psychologically.
1. Wants to get to know you in a healthy manner
No rushing intimacy—not even emotional intimacy. Just two people getting to know each other, starting with a casual conversation. And as the trust increases (if it does), the two people can increase the amount of vulnerability in the conversation.
Why it matters
Speaking too much about too many deep things creates the illusion of quick intimacy, when in fact you are attaching yourself to a stranger. You don’t know if they are safe to know your past trauma and disappointments. A real danger is when someone talks about everything they want in a partner during the first dates—if the other person has manipulative intent, they can use that blueprint to become the “person of their dreams” and get them hooked on an illusion.
2. Has pro-social feelings
Have you ever met someone who constantly speaks ill of others?
“Women these days are gold diggers.”
“Men these days are pigs.”
“And uh, relationships? Well, you know how they are!”
Is a complete Debbie Downer and absolutely nothing ever goes well in their life? If they’re constantly discouraged and distrustful of everyone, how can they truly connect with someone else? If they’re always blaming society, parents, or politicians—what sense of agency and responsibility do they have in their life? Probably none.
Why it matters
If they lack pro-social feelings and criticize everything, they’re probably lacking in the empathy department as well. RUN!
3. Lives a lifestyle similar to yours
I think this is more important than people realize. Imagine being someone who cherishes good food, relaxation, the occasional exercise, and just an overall chill lifestyle.
Now picture for a moment how frustrated you’d be with a partner who simply can’t see that booze is killing them, and their job is putting them into an early grave. You know that!
Well, you might know it—but they might not care about their life in the same way you do. And that’s their right: to conduct their lives as they want to and create change when and if they want to.
Why it matters
I think one of the biggest heartbreaks occurs when you love someone for just 50% of who they are and absolutely despise the other 50%, praying and begging they’ll change for you.
4. You can communicate to them
What is communication? It’s the ability to express feelings, including negative ones, and create bridges between people. Now sometimes, we do try to communicate with someone—and they show us that they can’t communicate back.
This usually shows up as avoiding difficult conversations. It can also look like getting defensive, ending the conversation, or being unable to take any accountability.
Why it matters
If someone can’t have difficult conversations, can’t take accountability, and can’t admit to anything—they’re not someone you can build intimacy with. That person isn’t open to connection, only to control. When things get rough, they won’t try to resolve it in a way that keeps you in mind, too.
And usually, that’s not something you can fix by explaining more or communicating more—because they don’t want to communicate back.
5. Has good enough self-esteem (oof)
This may seem a bit hurtful to type out, but hear me out.
People who are very insecure are the most dangerous people out there. Sure, we all have some insecurities, but when someone has built their entire lifestyle around managing those insecurities without actually addressing them… they’re just living in hell—and dragging others into it with them.
Why it matters
Due to insecurity, people can either become intense people-pleasers and mirrors to their partners (you never get to know them and can’t have real intimacy, because their sense of self is built around what they can do to seduce you),
or they are in a continuous search for validation, including by seducing others outside the relationship.
What if I am the insecure person?
And my last point is on staying safe while dating if you are the insecure person.
People with low self-esteem also make perfect victims for toxic types. Some people with low self-esteem fix their issues by people-pleasing, others by taking advantage of others and using them as a supply of validation.
So if you are dating and think you may need support, 12-step groups for codependency can sometimes be a good resource. If you are looking for in-depth, personalized support, feel free to head to my about page to learn more about my coaching services.
See you soon.