Help! I’m Anxious — How Do I Stop Dating Avoidants?
The clues are there. You can detect avoidance and security in your potential dates from the very first conversation.
What if there were a way to save time and become better at vetting people, so the story doesn’t repeat itself again and again?
In this short guide, I’ll teach you how to identify signs of avoidance right away—even from your first text conversation. I’ll also explain the anxious “mindset” that makes people who lean anxious more likely to overlook low engagement, low investment, and low capacity for connection.
How to Detect Avoidance From the First Conversation
Avoidants often fly under the radar when the person they’re dating is preoccupied with being liked and accepted—regardless of who’s doing the liking or accepting.
That’s the anxious bias: valuing other people’s opinions and attention, even before knowing whether those people are emotionally safe or capable of making sound judgments.
On one side, we have someone with a very positive bias and a strong openness to connection… but without much discernment. If that feels familiar, here are some clues to help you catch avoidance early and start asking the right questions.
Avoidant-Speak: Learn Their Language
The clearest clue with avoidants is lack of follow-up and frequent breaks between conversations.
For example:
They text you one day, then disappear the next, only to reappear on the third.
Conversations feel drained of emotion—they share what they did, but not how they feel.
They rarely use your name.
They don’t seem terribly interested in knowing you. They may ask questions, but their curiosity is limited.
Their messages are shorter, flatter, and carry little emotional tone.
They plan dates where real conversation is unlikely (like going to the movies as a first date).
They struggle to commit to a specific day and time.
They rarely reach out first—and when they do, it’s timid.
They don’t often show enthusiasm, excitement, or warmth.
Now, this might sound like a very drab person. So why do people fall in love with them?
Actually, many do. Their calm, collected, almost stoic demeanor often attracts people who are high-energy, talkative, emotional, and eager to connect. Anxious partners can end up pouring all their energy into someone who doesn’t (or can’t) match that flow.
And here’s the kicker: the more aloof the avoidant becomes, the sweeter and brighter those rare moments of affection seem. The distance itself creates a fantasy that anxious partners get hooked on.
The Avoidant Illusion of Security
Another tip: most avoidants believe they’re secure.
If you’re dating someone who isn’t very present, doesn’t talk much, and appears emotionally cold—but insists they’re “secure”—be cautious.
Avoidants often mistake their emotional detachment and lack of conflict as signs of being grounded and secure. In reality, it’s simply connection and conflict avoidance.
That’s why quizzes or labels don’t always help. Stick to the clues you can actually see.
Final Thoughts
If you recognize yourself in the anxious bias, remember: awareness is power. The more you notice these patterns early, the less likely you are to invest in someone who can’t meet you where you are.
Want support on your journey?
Whether you are struggling with anxiety or dating makes you more dysregulated than 3 shots of expresso, I’m here to help. Head towards my about page for more info about working with me.