The ultimate guide to healing your insecure attachment

A step-by-step guide on what works, what doesn't and what you can expect when trying to become securely attached

When working with my clients, this is the first question that pops up.

So how will we go about this?

How long will it take?

Why certain types of therapy work and others do not?

Do I need to focus on somatic modalities instead?

In this guide I’ll cover what does it actually mean to have a secure vs an insecure attachment style, how they are formed, how are the patterns maintained, what are the blindspots of each attachment style, the opportunities for growth and what types of therapeutical modalities work and why.

Let’s begin.

What does it actually mean to be insecurely or securely attached

Many people end up repeating the same relational patterns. However, the problem is not at a behavioral level, although it’s expressed this way, your attachment style is an encoded way of feeling safe, strategies for finding safety, strategies to regulate emotions, strategies to find someone to attach to.

Your brain, learns from an early age about itself by the way your parents mirror back your emotions. In essence, when you smiled as a baby, your your parent smiled back and acknowledged what you did as a smile, you’ve learned over repeated actions, the skill of understanding your own emotions.

If the parent isn’t attuned to your emotional expression, or simply ignores your emotional expression, your own emotions become hard to understand, tangled, or sometimes even repressed, because nobody was there to mirror them back.

Another thing your brains learn early on, is how to get safe. Safety is primordial as an infant and is entirely dependent on the caregivers. As a consequence, over time the baby learns how he or she can act in the world so it has an impact on it.

If the baby is hungry and crying and the parent comes right away, the baby learns to expect care and love when they express needs, leading to the development of the secure attachment.

If the baby is hungry and crying and the parent comes but only after there’s a lot of crying, and insistence, the baby learns that in order to get their needs met, they have upregulate their emotions and “suffer a lot” in order to get their needs met, leading to the development of the anxious attachment.

If the baby is hungry and crying but the parent ignores the baby or simply feeds the baby on a schedule that is entirely made up by them without keeping track of the baby’s needs, the baby learns that there is no use to expect that others will come and attend to their needs, so is best for survival to cut off the need for others to reduce suffering, leading to the development of the avoidant attachment.

If the baby is hungry and crying but the parent acts in frightening , dissociative or inconsistent ways around the baby, the baby never learns what to expect, so he or she ends up wanting connecting but fearing it, leading to the development of the disorganized attachment.

Attachment styles are strategies infants develop to survive in their families of origin. Because these early relational experiences also shape the brain, how a person sees themselves, others, how they activate or repress emotions, the patterns stay unless changed by intervention with a different experience. A different relational experience that they are mindful of and able to digest so the brain re-organizes itself keeping in mind a new relational experience.

In some ways, becoming securely attached is a learning experience that makes sense of neuroplasticity to change emotional regulation, self image, predictions about other people’s intentions and predictions about the world.

It’s a whole revamp that can lead to a significantly higher quality of life, lower levels of stress, better self image, access to both positive and negative emotions, improved ability to focus and take better decisions and of course, better relational experiences.

As you already suspected, this can’t be done with a 30-day guided course, by yourself. Mostly because the brain was shaped in a relational context, and you will need a new relational experience to mirror you back, tag those emotions, fully express needs while this time having a new relational experience and experiement with new ways of being in the world.

The road to becoming securely attached: awareness stage

When we don’t know ourselves, we call our fate destiny.

Janet can’t make sense of her relationship and she wants more than anything, clarity. Her partner, Stephen, often likes models on Instagram, and lately she’s even discovered some images in his phone of his ex. When confronted, Stephen simply mentioned that the photos of his ex are some old selfies that he forgot to delete, and liking models on Instagram is what every man does, and doesn’t carry any malicious intentions, as proof he gave Janet his phone to check.

Janet feels guilty for acting paranoid, but at the same time, she can barely focus at work, her stomach is in a knot each time he replies late or has days when he is more distant. When he comes closer, she feels anger and sometimes even disgust. Other times she shuts down. When he is placing some distance, she is becoming very worried again, and the cycle never ends.

She’s been cheated in all of her previous relationships, but doesn’t want to charge Stephen for something she hasn’t done yet. Instead she blames herself for not making up her mind for what she wants.

Here we can truly see how complex the manifestation of a certain attachment style can be, in this case, the disorganised attachment.

On one hand, we have the deep craving for connection, that at times creates even physical symptoms, but on the other hand, we have the disconnect, when she feels she has her partner, she suddenly devalues his presence. The cycle continues, and she can’t make sense of the actual reality of the relationship.

Aside from the cycles of nervous system dysregulation, we often are attracted to the familiar. What has been shown in our childhood as love, is what we consider to be love as adults. Often times, we end up compulsively be attracted to people who resemble our parents.

In this case, Janet doesn’t only have difficulties with the ups and downs of relationship, she also has difficulties with “tagging” her own feelings and acting accordingly. Instead, she folds immediately when the threat of a potential break up appears and her own needs and desires vanish.

Janet also doesn’t know what to expect from a relationship, she has very little self confidence that she can ask or expect something that wouldn’t make her feel unloved, in this case, someone who doesn’t like random women on Instagram or still carrying the selfies of his ex on his phone.

In some sense, becoming aware of your attachment styles also involves the following:

• Becoming aware of your own needs and being able to express them, all while allowing others to either be a good fit for us or not

• Becoming aware of what sort of problem our current pattern solves. For example, if we choose partners that tell us “this how all men are.. “ or “this is how all women are..”, is it possible that we aren’t quite sure what is possible and we need others to validate our sense of reality?

• Becoming aware of who we are and the many posibilities of who others can be

• Becoming aware of what triggers us, and what we are triggered unto

• Bringing to the surface needs it may not be apparent that we have

In some sense, the awareness stage is ongoing, as you continue to learn how childhood experiences and later adult experiences shaped and maintained the same patterns. Making sense of the patterns may not trigger immediate change, but it can bring relief.

Making sense of our experiences and other people’s experiences is called metallisation, and it’s crucial at providing some context to our story and not allow only what was been done to us, to be the only narator to our lives, but also the intentions of the family system and the role we had to play in order to survive.

The road to becoming securely attached: active participation into the pattern

We don’t become more securely attached only by acting differently or “faking it” until we make it. Acting secure is a consequence of a high grade of mentalization and of a high grade of inner security.

But how do we reached the promised land?

First, we start with mindfulness. And I don’t mean mindfulness in the traditional sense of meditating or doing yoga. I mean, by focused attention on what bothers us and the focused attention on experiences go against our expectations.

The way security is being built up, is by having openness and seeking new relational experiences, by slowly showing up more authentically in a safe relationship. For most people, this usually happens in a therapeutical relationship, where the other person intervenes in the learning process of the person.

Implicit vs explicit learning in healing your insecure attachment

Some of the learning might be implicit, while other types of learning might be explicit.

Let’s start with the latter.

“You know, you’ve mentioned that is perfectly reasonable to be upset with my boyfriend liking other women on Instagram and still having photos of his ex, but in my experience, that’s just how it is. Maybe it’s not a big deal and I am making a big deal about it. I really don’t know anymore.

What do you mean by this is how it is?

I mean, you know, you just stumble the same experience over and over again, and you realize maybe you have Disney expectations and this is real life.

So in this case, real life means these sort of compromises?

Yeah, sure.

Does everyone makes these sort of compromises?

You mean, in relationships?

Yes.

I mean, most people I’m assuming they do.

But most people aren’t all people?

I am not in the other camp.

What’s the other camp like?

I mean, the other camp it’s my sister. She always had boys tripping over themselves to date her, to take her to dinner, she’s spoiled.

What do you think makes your sister special?

I don’t know really. She’s always been treated that way.

She’s always been treated that way?

Ahahahah! I can see what you are doing?

What am I doing?

So she’s been always treated this way and this created this sort woo woo unconscious expectation that makes her repel everything else?

I could be. I am not sure, but it could be. How would she react if she would have been in your shoes?

She would have never been in my shoes.

Why so?

She would have dumped him the moment he canceled our first date and then didn’t text for 3 days.

Ah, I see.

So is this one of those this that isn’t me, but it’s this expectation, self fulfilling prophecy woo woo?

I think could very much could be.

Ahahaha. I get it.

This is a small example of explicit learning, where the person who is going trough the therapeutical journey learns why certain things may happen, and is led to discover the answer themselves.

Sometimes psychoeducation can be even more explicit, where the coach or the psychologist explains how certain family systems work, how defenses work, what happens when someone in the family is exhibiting signs of a personality disorder, etc. This is one type of learning, but not the most important one.

Now let’s look at another type of learning, implicit, where nothing is actually taught, but something is truly learned.

I just feel really down lately.

What happened?

Well, to be honest, I haven’t been doing what I am supposed to doing.

Okay, that happens sometimes.

You have no idea what I have been doing. This is so bad.

Well, if you’d like we can talk about it, if not, that’s also okay.

I mean, you don’t want to know that shameful thing I’ve been doing?

I guess I want you to feel comfortable. It’s not mandatory to share something that doesn’t make you feel comfortable.

FINE! I’ll say it. I texted my ex. I texted my good for nothing ex. And you know what’s really horrible about it? He gave me the driest response, like a day later. A DAY LATER.

I’m really sorry that happened.

I mean, I promised myself I wouldn’t do it. This is not secure behaviour.

We all make mistakes sometimes.

But like THIS?

Yeah, sometimes, like this. Besides, I am not here to grade you. I am here to support you, guide you, but not grade your actions as if I am a teacher.

But wouldn’t you have wished I wouldn’t have done that and I would have kept up with my promise to go out more and meet more people?

I don’t know. I guess, in my mind, it’s better to aspire to be authentic, you did what you wanted to do, to test the waters and you’ve got an answer. I don’t think you doing all the activities but daydreaming of what it could have been to reconnect with your ex would have been productive at all.

At least now I know.

Yes, at least now you know.

So maybe that’s not that much of a big deal after all.

Not at all.

In here, nothing is explicitly taught, but the client is experiencing a new experience.

They have agreed beforehand on a little homework, the homework was to go out, meet more people, as a way to disconnect from the heartbreak of the breakup, however, Janet feels this deep pull, she wants to give it one more go, see if her ex misses her and maybe something different will come out of it.

She pulls the trigger, texts him, but his message is disappointing, increasing the amount of shame around, I shouldn’t be doing that, line of thinking.

Then the shame increases when she feels it’s her duty to “report” to her psychologist and tell her how she failed.

The response here is subtle, but very important. The psychologist is not grading her performance, it’s not gamifying the “act secure” pattern, instead, she is tending to her distress, which in this case, is related to shame.

Even further, she leaves the option, on the table, for Janet to not even share what happened unless she feels comfortable to do so. She doesn’t force a confession, she is not against Janet, she is not grading her, she is treating her as an equal and as a consequence, Janet has a different experience.

Instead of feeling shamed for not being “a good enough client” or have her worth determined entirely by what she does, she experiences being accepted, not receiving any pressure and being understood.

This micro moment isn’t life changing, but when enough micro moments add up, Janet will end up internalizing a new relational experience, namely: some people respect my boundaries and some people don’t shame me for my mistakes and moments of weakness, quite the opposite, they want me to feel comfortable, as a consequence, wanting this sort of behaviour in my life is an entirely reasonable expectation for others.

This repeated experience over time also doubles in the way Janet treats herself, not only in the way Janet expects others to treat her. Meaning, she may end up feeling less shame and feel more forgiving towards herself in moments when she is not feeling as she’s doing her best. This is the magic of implicit learning.

Multiply these moments by a thousands, in various contexts, with various emotional wounds and the brain will change.

The road to becoming securely attached: seeing changes on a visceral level

Seeing patterns helps, seeing where the patterns come from, what problems they solve and what problems they create is the basis of every healing journey, but at some point, things shift, not into just what is known, but unto what’s felt.

The change usually happens after the following:

• They learn to tolerate difficult emotions, all while knowing than an emotion is simply an emotion and not necessarily something that never ends or something that always must lead to action

• They learn to build a cohesive, coherent story about themselves in a way that makes sense, is not detached, but at the same time it’s not overly involved with emotion

• They learn how to self regulate when abandonment or fear of intimacy arises

• They learn what early life conflicts are being replayed in their adult relationships

• They learn to trust their own judgement about who they are not only the judgement of others

• They are open to having their judgements and worldview challenged if something changes

• They learn what needs are being met through their defense mechanisms

• They have at least once relationship where they learn how to express themselves and expect to be treated well, even when they show up wounded, imperfect, vulnerable, etc

Here’s an example of someone who is showing strong signs of feeling security on a visceral level.

I had the most mind blowing conversation with someone from a dating app last night.

Oh, really, how was it?

It’s was terrible. It was so terrible it could be a case study in itself.

Tell me about it if you want to.

Well, check this out. He calls me, we introduce ourselves, and automatically he starts with a rant about his friends, who never improve, but he always does. Then goes on, and on, and never asks me a question. He just never bothered to ask me anything. I was just an audience.

How did that felt?

I was angry. I mean, I felt like I am just a resonating board. And then get this, because I actually called it up, and mentioned he didn’t ask me anything about me, he laughs it off, and says he should start a podcast because he loves speaking. At that point I was done being an audience, but I barely got rid of him, because he kept going, and it only got worse.

What else did he say?

He said that he’s been working on himself and his need to dominate women, and now he wants someone who is his equal. Then he proceeded to criticize something about me, I can’t even remember what, then something else, then something about women in general. It was half hilarious, half tragic.

At that point, I said goodbye. But before I closed, he wanted to ask me out. I just closed the call and unmatched him.

That sounds like quite the experience. But I am wondering, he is just a fella, do you think there’s any reason why he got to you that much or he was simply annoying and that’s it?

He wasn’t only annoying, he was incredibly confident and deluded, and in his own words, controlling. I recognized that. A few years ago, his confidence would have made me feel safe.

As in, someone who is confident, knows how the world goes round or in other way?

Exactly that.

It reminded me of someone incredibly similar, and the fact that was happening to me again, it made me feel so angry. How dare you use me as a resonating board? How dare you told me you emotionally abused and controlled your exes and expect I am okay with that?

You felt threatened.

I think I was threatened.

But you acted fast. You unmatched him.

Yes, I didn’t lose any time, but how dare he?

Indeed, how dare him indeed.

When we feel someone is doing something wrong, and we really feel it, in our emotional self, it’s far easier to act. Being secure is not about not feeling any negative emotion, is about recognizing how something makes us feel and acting accordingly, in this scenario, in a self protective manner.

When someone deeply insecure meets someone who is becoming secure or is already scoring secure, the chances of those two people being together are very slim, simply because one person may cause distress that the other person doesn’t feel the need to tolerate anymore.

Which therapeutical modalities work best for healing an insecure attachment

An insecure attachment is an adaptation to an environment in which you had to survive around your caregivers and stay safe without challenging them too much.

As adults, attachment strategies become more complicated, and they can shift depending on the culture we live in, our relationships, our circumstances and the roles we take on. However, the underlying mechanism often remains similar.

For example, an avoidantly attached child may grow up to become a very busy business owner, because financial independence and self-reliance go hand in hand. An anxiously attached child may grow into a rescuer, constantly supporting and rescuing others in the hope that they will finally be seen for who they are and receive the love they have been looking for.

In other words, a therapeutic modality that is going to be helpful has to take into account both the early experiences that shaped the attachment strategy and the way that person uniquely adapted those strategies to the environment outside the home.

For exploring and making sense of childhood experiences, which is key to unlearning some of the “rules” that no longer make sense, psychodynamic and experiential approaches can be helpful. They can help us understand not only what happened, but also how those experiences shaped the way we understand ourselves, other people and relationships.

For emotional regulation and learning self-expression in a safe environment, experiential therapies can also be helpful. These approaches can create opportunities to encounter situations that contradict old expectations, allowing new experiences to gradually become integrated into the way we predict and respond to the world.

Mentalization-based psychotherapies can be helpful as well, as they increase our ability to stay present and identify our own state of mind, the state of mind of others, and the possible reasons behind our behavior and the behavior of others.

This can be particularly useful when we have developed rigid, black-and-white predictions about relationships, usually of the negative sort. “They don’t really care about me.” “If I show my needs, they will leave.” “Nobody can be trusted.” “I have to take care of everyone if I want to be loved.” When these predictions are experienced as facts rather than hypotheses, they can contribute to self-sabotage and the gradual destruction of relationships.

But there is another element that I believe is particularly important in a successful therapeutic intervention: being exposed to someone who can provide a secure relational experience.

It is not enough to be taught what secure attachment means. At some point, secure attachment has to become something that is experienced.

This means having a relationship in which you can gradually discover what happens when you express a need, make a mistake, disagree, become emotional, set a boundary or show a vulnerable part of yourself. You learn that the relationship does not automatically collapse and you learn that another person can have boundaries without rejecting you, and that you can have boundaries without rejecting them.

Over time, these experiences can become more than something you understand intellectually. They can become something you expect.

And this is perhaps the most important distinction between knowing about secure attachment and actually becoming more securely attached: at some point, the new way of relating has to become believable at an emotional and relational level, not just intellectually understood.