Resist the urge to kill the old self
On healing from emotional abuse
One of the most used defense mechanisms is to change. And it makes sense if the environment tells us we are too fat, too thin, too loud, or too quiet.
When people give us reasons why they disrespect us, our first instinct is not to doubt their judgment, especially if they are our caregivers, but to doubt ourselves. And there is a real consequence to being what we are as well. Wouldn’t it be obvious to want to change?
Our reality is often shaped by our environment, and if we are surrounded by, and stuck in, an environment filled with criticism, we end up working overtime, hyperaware of our “flaws,” tortured by them even, despite seeing other people who have the same flaws as us achieve things or receive love we think we don’t deserve.
However, when the relational environment is filled with criticism, it is better to change the environment, not to change yourself. Repressing who you are or beating yourself into a shape you don’t fit comes with a price. You never quite feel loved, and when you come closest to love, what you end up presenting to others is a false self, built out of fear of rejection, still fearing and unable to endure the possibility of rejection, but now wearing a false veneer.
Maintaining the idea that you have to dress a certain way, earn a certain amount, or have a certain social status to be accepted and loved, and that losing those traits will leave you abandoned, takes up a lot of energy. And it hides the suffering of never actually believing there might be someone out there who could love you, a little flawed.
This speaks to how exhausting it is to keep reshaping yourself just to be treated with basic care. The reminder that the environment matters as much as the individual feels both freeing and validating. It makes space for people to stop blaming their personality for someone else’s harm. There is a lot of relief in knowing you do not have to erase yourself to be worthy of love.