How NOT to get manipulated

Manipulators never tell you what to do—they tell you they have a problem and wait to see if you take the bait and solve it.

Manipulation is an invitation—an invitation to use your own energy and resources to do the bidding of someone else.

And because it is an invitation, it must sound like one. What is being asked is often never directly said.

Manipulators can target anyone, but they only succeed with people who:

1. Want to solve other people’s problems

2. Have no boundaries around their empathy

3. See others as helpless—and believe them to be helpless if they appear that way

Here’s a clip that perfectly shows how manipulation works:
https://www.facebook.com/sbsondemand/videos/1903274950468416/

Let’s break it down:

1. She sets the hook
   Nicole Kidman reassures her teen lover that she only wants to be with him. That’s the prize—if only…

2. She presents the obstacle
   Her husband has a temper. She implies she’s stuck in a dangerous situation, hinting at the possibility of domestic violence.

3. She offers a false solution
   She says, “If nothing happens, I guess I’ll just run away with my kid.”
   (This creates urgency for the teen—he might lose her forever.)

4. He offers a rational alternative
   “Why don’t you get a divorce?” he asks.

5. She rejects it with a cost
   She says she’ll lose everything, including her home. Divorce is not a real option.

6. She returns to the hook
   With a seductive dance, she reminds him of what he stands to lose if he doesn’t act. She doesn’t ask for anything—she just leads him to imagine the solution.

She never says she wants her husband dead. But she doesn’t need to.
She plants the seed and lets his imagination do the rest.

This is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation—and it happens more often than you think.

Every day life example

In everyday life—especially in relationships—my clients often come to me and say their partners aren’t capable of doing X or Y, so they feel they have to do it for their sake.

For example, one woman started paying her boyfriend’s share of the rent after he had a breakdown, saying he’d have to work two jobs to cover his portion. This wasn’t actually true. But because she was so shaken by his crying and yelling, she gave in and started covering for him.

He never found a better job. She continued paying his share of the rent for the next five years. All the while, he complained about how hard the economy was, how hard everything was. Meanwhile, all of his income went into a savings account—money he kept after the relationship ended.

She had invested in him for five years, driven by guilt, compassion, and a sense of responsibility for his depression and anxiety.

And yes—mental health issues can be weaponized too.