5 Green Flags in a Therapist
Just in case you are searching
Looking for a therapist/coach/counselor—you name it—is hard. Not hard because of the actual logistics (although reading About pages and Googling “what’s the best therapy for ...” can take some time), but because you know what that means.
It means opening up in front of a stranger, when historically, most of us who have been in therapy or have been looking for help were hurt by strangers. What makes matters even more complicated is that this particular stranger will know a lot about you, will get close—which could make the possible sting even more hurtful.
But as someone who was both in therapy and is now on the other side of the room, I think I’ve developed, over time, a pretty good intuition about what actually makes a good mental health professional—whether it's someone with a PhD or someone who finished a coaching course online.
So here are the 5 green flags to look out for:
1. Expertise is pretty clear
Working with a mental health provider is not merely a conversation between two people in which one asks from time to time, “So how does that make you feel?”
The person in front of you should be able to give you guidance, explanations when you ask for them, and paint you a pretty clear picture of why X leads to Y.
Of course, seeing the full picture means the person has some information about you, but after gathering the information—if you are comfortable and ask to know—the other person should be able to tell you why it’s likely for a certain coping mechanism to happen, how it manifests, and what would be a possible approach to treatment.
For example, I work with people who are coming from households in which at least one person was abusive. I also work with people with codependent patterns and people with attachment wounds.
All of the above involve very specific manifestations and some pretty clear trajectories, and by knowing this, I can tell when a client of mine is struggling—and as a consequence, I can guide them better.
Let’s take the following fictional example. Josh is in love with his wife but struggles with some sexual fantasies that involve his wife being with someone else. He feels a lot of shame around those fantasies, and they also tend to come up when he is more stressed out.
He has tried mindfulness meditation, journaling, etc., but nothing seems to make the thoughts go away—quite the opposite. He feels ashamed and stuck, and no amount of talking about it can make it go away.
After a few sessions, I learn that Josh, even though his parents covered all of his safety and physical needs, was mostly left alone. They were working all day, and he was mostly by himself. He was also ignored when big things were happening. For example, when they moved, they didn’t let him know until they were on the way to the airport. The emotional neglect had been severe.
As an adult, he learned subconsciously to detach himself from his friends and even his romantic partners. He never invested too much into them; he didn’t even allow himself to feel too much. He did this because he learned early on that feeling feelings was dangerous and that being connected to others would mean self-abandonment—just like what happened to his parents, who are still somewhat present in his life, continuing the same patterns.
In relationships, he found it hard to commit (he developed an avoidant attachment), but even when he did, his subconscious found a way out.
His sexual fantasies were his way of detaching himself from his wife because being too intimate with her felt threatening. The man in his fantasies, taking her away, was the way he was letting out some of the pressure he felt in the relationship. In addition, his affection and even sexual attraction were fluctuating based on how much space there was in the relationship. All things intimacy scarred him, even though he wanted things to be different.
In his case, starting work on his intimacy issues would be key to improving all aspects of his life.
Working with someone who has knowledge and expertise goes beyond the power of catharsis and being listened to—it offers a clear map. And when interviewing a potential mental health provider, it is important to look out for someone who does seem to have a map in their hands.
2. Can identify abuse
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this story repeating itself over and over again. Someone goes to their therapist, they speak about their abusive parent or partner, and all they get is invalidation—or worse, advice on how to forgive, how to move on, etc.
While sometimes clients can have skewed views on what is considered abuse, more often than not—at least in my experience—it’s quite the opposite. People put up with too much abuse to the point they no longer recognize it as abuse.
A therapist’s inability to identify abuse—or worse, encouraging the client to get in contact with the abuser (“It’s your mother at the end of the day, and she’s old now”) or the more subtle cues (“After all you’ve learned now, you should be able to tolerate them better”)—are not neutral. They are actively damaging, as they normalize abuse and prime the person in front of them for even more abuse.
Ideally, a therapist has a high standard for self-love and self-esteem and is able to see when their client is not holding themselves to that standard. They also indirectly hold up this standard by acting with genuine care, seeing the person in front of them, being empathetic to their struggles, and giving praise for their successes—not encouraging them to compromise and accept people in their lives who don’t love them.
A therapist who can’t identify abuse is also likely to be someone who can’t identify it in their own life (they could be a victim of it), or they could be on the other side of the table—as the bully. If your therapist can’t identify abuse when you present it—RUN!
Alternatively, if you are very well treated and they point out the ways in which you aren’t treating yourself well—or others aren’t treating you the way you deserve—you are probably dealing with someone who both has high self-esteem and wants to cultivate the same within you. Feel free to stay!
3. Shows genuine interest, comes on time, sees you and cares for your experience
I see this question on forums more often than I would like:
“Is it okay that my therapist is constantly late 5–10 minutes?”
“Is it okay that my therapist checks her phone during the session?”
“Is it okay if my therapist forgets important details about me on a regular basis?”
Well, we all make mistakes. But the key here is on a regular basis. Therapy and coaching are expensive, and even 5 to 10 minutes is quite expensive. So if it happens regularly, you are literally leaking money.
As for checking the phone or forgetting important details—well, sometimes people forget, and sometimes they may get an important message. But the general rule is: during sessions, the phone is on silent. And for deep work, the therapist needs to remember things so they have a full picture of what’s going on.
Also, when someone is constantly not paying attention, that’s very poor modeling. You might feel unimportant, disrespected, and so on. And clearly, we don’t want that, do we?
Part of what makes therapy so powerful is that someone gets really close to you and offers you a safe experience. You are seen, heard, on a regular basis, with no ups and downs. A good mental health provider knows consistency is amazing at building trust, higher self-esteem, and even helping people build a more secure attachment.
So yes, it’s not okay if a therapist does all of the above. But if you do have someone who shows up for you on a regular basis, in a positive way, your brain is going to love it.
4. Provides a clear path to solving the “issue”
Now, this is more of a personal green flag—meaning what I personally consider a green flag, what I needed in my own work, and what I deliver myself as a practitioner. That being said, a clear structure often leads to more progress.
Sure, because humans are so complex, we are constantly writing and erasing what’s next on the checklist, constantly adapting to the needs of the client. But that work in itself is very important, in my opinion, because we can see whether the needle is moving and how the client is reacting to certain approaches and techniques.
Also, even though psychology is a young science, it does have quite a rich history of tried-and-true approaches for a large number of issues. Why not draw inspiration from that instead of freestyling our way through crippling low self-esteem and emotional dependency?
5. Is able to repair ruptures in the therapeutic relationship and make you feel safe, even during conflict
Oof.
What conflict? I mean, we are talking about a therapist, right?
Please don’t leave the page yet. The truth is that every relationship—including a therapeutic one—at some point will encounter conflict, and successfully managing that conflict can be incredibly helpful.
Sometimes you might find your therapist annoying.
Sometimes you might feel the therapist thinks you are annoying.
Why is it important to address it and have someone mature and ready for that on the other side?
Because that shows you that conflict and tension can be solved without dissolving the relationship—which is essential in any sort of attachment work you may do. Not only that, but when we solve the conflict with someone successfully, the relationship gets even stronger, as we now have proof that the person is safe—even in stormy weather.
Therapeutic conflict isn’t about dramatic arguments—it’s about navigating moments of discomfort with mutual respect and maturity.
But at some point, there may be a small disagreement, and working through that successfully can actually teach you to have more trust in relationships and not fear conflict anymore.
It will also raise the bar with regard to conflict resolution in all of your relationships outside therapy.
Want to work with me? Have any questions?
Feel free to email me at helpwithmiriam@gmail.com you can also learn more about me and pricing by reading my about page.